Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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