Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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