Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
