im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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