I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
