there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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