your parents love me but you hate me
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
