Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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