That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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