meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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