I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
