he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Operation Purity has been aborted
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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