I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
