just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
