My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
