it hurts more in the daytime
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
