He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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