My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
