bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
