It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
