So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
