i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
