Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
