Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
