I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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