then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
