My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
