My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
even my farts smell like vagina
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
lol hangovers are for mortals.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
