Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
