oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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