I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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