Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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