You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
