Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
