mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
