the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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