So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
