K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
