she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
