You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
