my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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