we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
