swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
