Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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