My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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