awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
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If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
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i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Is Oprah even human
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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