I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I want to be your penis for a week.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
