Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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