I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she peed on how many people?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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