i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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