In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
