Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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