Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
