Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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