If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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