my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
