I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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