toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
