Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
