omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
