my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
