I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
