[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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