he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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