I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Text me some of your sweat
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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