It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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